We Have Come This Far
by sapphireswimming
Summary: Saji doesn't understand why Setsuna would smile because of a terrorist. It turns out that there's a lot he doesn't understand. For Laora.


**For Laora, on her birthday. In deepest gratitude for introducing me to the fandom that has captured my heart, mind, and soul, I offer the first of many many many Gundam 00 fics to come. Because the obsession, it is real.**

 **Many thanks to the genius of ninthfeather for helping me rescue this idea from the chaos it threatened to devolve into!**

 **Title from "Voice, the Love that Starts Here," one of Saji's two Voice Actor Single songs.**

 **All the requisite spoilers for a fic set at the beginning of season 2.**

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 **We Have Come This Far**

October 16, 2015

For Laura

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"Anyone can smile if you give them something to be happy about" – Setsuna F. Seiei

[2.07 Reunion and Separation]

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Saji isn't sure just where Setsuna is, but Red Haro informed him that the crew was back from their rescue mission, so he knows he's around here somewhere. And if he stomps around this stupid, never-ending ship long enough, he's bound to run into him eventually.

He makes a few decidedly wrong turns, and quickly retraces his steps more than once to avoid other crew members when he hears their voices wafting down through open doorways. Because even if they have shown him nothing but kindness since he arrived, the fact that they're all terrorists— even the girl with the curly pony tails who calls everyone Miss and Mister— is wrong.

Everything about this whole set up is wrong. He shouldn't be here.

But like it or not, Setsuna is still the only person he knows, the only person he trusts enough to initiate contact with, so he's set on scouring the entire ship until he finds him.

He thinks that the hangar is this way, and Gundam meisters would need to dock their suits after a mission, right? He turns down into a deserted hallway. It's long and white, like all of the others, but he figures it doesn't hurt to see where it goes. Even if Setsuna isn't at the end of it, learning his way around this maze would be a useful skill if he's destined to be stuck on board for more than another few days.

Which it's looking like will be the case. They'll say that it's too dangerous to let him go now, that everyone will be looking for them since they've announced their impossible existence to the world powers in such spectacular fashion.

But of course they didn't listen to him when he demanded to be dropped off _before_ they went and put themselves back on the news.

He grumbles something under his breath then jerks up in surprise when someone appears at the end of the passageway.

It's a young woman, with long dark hair. Saji hasn't seen her before. Granted, he's pretty sure that he hasn't seen everyone on board, but she's not dressed in anything resembling military uniforms, so he's not sure that she's actually with Celestial Being, even if she happens to be on their top secret base.

When she notices that he's there, she rubs at her eyes and Saji realizes that she's been crying. That settles the matter in his mind, because terrorists didn't cry like that.

"Um, hi," he offers as they get closer, his voice as gentle as he can make it given how upset he still is at Setsuna and his situation and the world in general. "I'm Saji."

"Marina," she responds, and he files that away in his mind because he thinks that he might be able to find an ally in this girl.

She doesn't say anything else and looks like she wants to escape the way he's just come. And he's not so cruel hearted as to stand in her way for an interrogation session now. He moves to the other side of the corridor to let her pass by freely.

"Have you seen Setsuna, by any chance?" he asks before she's out of sight, on the off chance that he'll get an answer but not even knowing if she'd know who Setsuna _is_.

But she nods a little and points back the way he's heading. "He's still back there," she says, wiping her eyes again before turning away.

Saji's face falls as he puts two and two together and realizes that Setsuna is most likely the reason she was crying in the first place. He's glowering as he navigates down the hall, ready to really lay into his former neighbor as soon as he catches up with him.

Setsuna comes to him, however, rounding the far corner before he had a chance to go any further.

The sight that greets him stops Saji dead in his tracks in a cold shock.

Because… Setsuna is smiling.

"Well, look at that," Saji sneers, as soon as he's recovered enough to say anything.

Setsuna pulls up in surprise and the smile falls from his face. Saji's unreasonably pleased to see it disappear.

"I didn't think you _could_ smile," he spits out.

After a moment of hesitation, Setsuna makes eye contact and offers, "Anyone can smile if you give them something to be happy about."

Saji scoffs at that. "Right," he says. "And what are you so happy about?"

It doesn't look like Setsuna will answer him, because the meister shakes his head for a moment and then starts walking past him to the heart of the Ptolemy.

Just as he's about to leave Saji behind, though, he gives him a quiet response. "Because we found Allelujah."

The words come out automatically, before it registers that he's even responding to the person he's so steadfastly decided to be angry with. "I don't get it," Saji says, and he thinks that might be an appropriate motto for his entire life. But of all the revelations and near death experiences he's had in the past few years—no, in the past few weeks— this is the one that he can't seem to grasp at all.

Setsuna stops and turns around, his face back to its normal dead blank slate again, and Saji is troubled at how much it pains him to see the fleeting expression gone. He clamps down on the emotion, trying to destroy it before it can take hold, because he's angry and betrayed and doesn't want to feel sympathy for the steely faced young man staring back at him.

Setsuna doesn't ask what Saji doesn't understand, doesn't say anything at all. He's lost any of the ease he'd had in the hangar and now stands straight as the ramrod Saji remembered.

Bracing himself for whatever Saji says next, Saji realizes in surprise. His body language is anything but inviting, but there's still something less hostile in his stance than Saji would have expected, like he'll wait there listening to anything Saji wants to say. Reluctantly suffer through the airing of all of his grievances and broken questions with that never changing façade of his, just as he had when Saji shouted at him on the day he was rescued, demanding and pleading for him to give back everyone and everything he'd stolen away.

Saji doesn't regret his outburst, even if he knows—knew then, too, no matter how much his heart had been shredded by the rescue of a friend-turned-terrorist—that nothing could come from asking for his sister or his girlfriend.

If asking—begging, threatening, praying, _pleading_ —did anything, his and Louise's family would have been restored to them long ago.

But it didn't.

Because the world wasn't fair to begin with, and then the terrorists and armies and Gundam meisters of Celestial Being had to go and make everything worse when people were just trying to _live_.

The ease with which Setsuna now watches him, the patient uptight posturing like _he'll_ be the one suffering if Saji does end up saying anything, grates on Saji's every nerve and he fights to keep his hands from twitching into fists at his sides.

There's nowhere for him to go, though. No matter how much he hates being on board Celestial Being's headquarters, he's little better than a prisoner for the foreseeable future, even if they do provide him with better food than he's had in months and give him access to the organization's databanks through the little red robot that's been following him around whenever they let him out of his cabin.

He's trapped on board with this crew of mass murderers and Setsuna is the only person he can dare let himself trust. Not that he trusts him farther than he can shove him, but he's practical enough to realize that he has no other alternatives.

He also realizes that if he does want an answer, this might very well be the only time he'll get it.

"I don't get why his rescue would make you happy," Saji finally says, more petulant than he'd ever admit.

And it's true. He's unable to wrap his head around the fact that his neighbor, the boy he'd once thought of as an odd kind of friend, would smile his first smile only at the knowledge that the most hated figure in the world, the captive terrorist at whom everyone funneled their hatred of Celestial Being and the uprooting of the world for the past four years, had been successfully sprung from the most heavily guarded prison the world powers could devise.

"He's a terrorist," he says, like Setsuna isn't aware of that particular fact. Saji freezes as soon as he's said it because, of course, Setsuna is a terrorist too.

No matter how clearly that fact should be burned into his brain, no matter how much time he spends brooding over the far reaching effects of the initial revelation, some part of Saji's brain still traitorously thinks of Setsuna as a friend. As a neighbor. As the only safe person amid this hell of a confinement.

But it's a deadly trap to fall into, because Setsuna has never been his friend. Has never been anything other than one of _them_. One of these people who were destroying the world in some twisted fantasy of trying to make it better through impossible paradoxes.

"I mean..." he tries to backtrack, "I guess you all are." Saji initially blanches when he realizes that he's only dug his hole deeper, but then decides with a concerted effort that he really doesn't care if he makes the terrorist angry, because it's true.

Setsuna merely shrugs.

"If you say so," he agrees in that toneless voice of his, like he's tired of the world and everything in it.

Saji blinks for a moment at the bland response, then scoffs and shakes his head in disgust. Every time he thinks he's seen the worst of Setsuna, the guy opened his mouth again.

He decides that this conversation is going nowhere and turns away like he's about to leave even though they both know full where that he has nowhere to go except back down the hall Setsuna's walking. The action is fruitless at best and Saji hesitates when he realizes it, but then shakes his head and turns around anyway.

He's done with Celestial Being for today and hopes that the red robot catches up to him once he rounds the corner because he'd like to escape back to his cabin without running into any other celebrating terrorists or their newly recovered companion.

"But he's the reason you're alive," Setsuna offers as he retreats and Saji turns back around in surprise, wondering if he could have possible heard correctly.

Setsuna stands there, quietly challenging him with the fire behind his eyes.

And Saji thinks that maybe Setsuna had changed after all.

He couldn't remember the old Setsuna he knew ever initiating or prolonging any conversations of his own free will. He'd always tried to cut them off as soon as possible, ducking into his apartment or striding off to some pressing business he had to attend to, pleased to be rid of the barest hint of socialization. Even when asked a direct question, half of the time, he hadn't even replied with enough of a response to be considered civil.

Yet here he was, calling after him when he'd been well rid of a conversation.

But then he remembers that Setsuna is a terrorist now. Or… always had been one, even back when they had lived in adjoining apartments.

Whatever.

Perhaps he'd just never known Setsuna as well as he thought he had. Maybe the effort to distance himself from the brother and sister who offered him leftovers had all been part of the job. It must be harder to kill people if you know them, Saji imagines, even for members of Celestial Being.

Saji's eyes narrow as he mulls the claim over, realizes the ramifications such a truth would have on him, and he searches the meister's face for any signs of deceit, even though honesty—brutal honesty— had always been one of Setsuna's most glaring faults.

"What do you mean?" he finally asks, the words dragging out of him like he's still not entirely sure he wants an answer.

Setsuna takes a few steps forward into the hallway, stands eye to eye with him. "At the space station," he says. "When you and Louise were visiting for school."

Saji isn't able to hide the still instinctive flinch at the mention of Louise. It's been years since she's responded to his calls, but he had been in space, working and waiting for her to join him. That's another impossibility now that he's been picked up by Celestial Being, because how can he ever hope to find Louise from here, and how could she bear to see him now that he's with the group that's taken everything away from her?

Setsuna must have mistaken Saji's reaction as disgust for the topic because he exhales long and deep like he can't wait to be done with this conversation, be rid of this entire encounter. But he must feel strongly about this, about making sure that Saji knows what he wants to tell him, because he still doesn't walk away.

"When your gravity block disconnected from the station," he continues and a shudder runs down Saji's spine. He'd still ended up working in space despite that disastrous trip— because it never stopped being his dream and then he'd promised Louise in that hospital room— but every time he'd stared out at the sheer vastness of the pitch black space, with nothing tethering him back to humanity's presence but a flimsy tube pumping oxygen to his suit, his mind stole back traitorously to his first real excursion in space.

Even now, five years later, all he has to do is blink the wrong way and he'll find himself thinking about the ride up to the orbital elevator when the explosions rocked their compartment and convinced everyone on board that they were moments from death.

"Sergei Smirnov left the battle to help you until the rescue squad arrived."— He'd learned about that afterward, of course, that the second crash had actually been the only assistance that the government could get to them in time. But back then, the smaller collision had sent fresh screams through the cabin, made them all huddle together with vague reassurances that help was on its way until the one engineer had announced that they were going to be pulled into the atmosphere before any help could get there— "But he didn't have enough thrust to change your course. Not alone."

Saji had found out about that too. That there had been two pilots involved before they had been well and truly saved. And that one of them… that one of them was Celestial Being.

"Allelujah broke ranks," Setsuna informs him. "Abandoned his mission plan. Risked getting captured on our second mission in order to save you." His face is flat, but the words sound condemning to Saji, like he and the other innocent civilians were to blame for things not going according to plan.

Even though they'd been floating helplessly through their block, clutching onto their companions and trying to come up with what they thought would be their last words when yet another crash rocked the structure, coming to deprive them of the last few minutes they had to live.

But then the strained voice filtered through the block's intercoms, ordering them to the middle of the floating wreckage if they didn't want to die…

"Consolidating you in the center and having Lockon shoot off the side containers ruined all sorts of plans," Setsuna tells him. "He was confined for two weeks before they decided that we didn't have the luxury of replacing a pilot."

Something rises up in Saji's throat and he realizes with surprise that he's _mad_. He's never been prone to violence— waving a gun in Setsuna's face aside— but his hands ball up into fists as he understands what Setsuna has told him. Celestial Being arrested one of their meisters for saving lives?

Setsuna glances at Saji's hands but doesn't react more than to shrug again. "It revealed our capabilities before we were ready for it. Compromised the entire organization."

"But he was saving us!" Saji exclaims, pointedly not thinking about the fact that he was now defending the actions of the very terrorist he'd condemned minutes before. This is different, he tells himself. This was the one deed that he could let slide, because it was the only thing that Celestial Being had ever done right.

But it hadn't even been Celestial Being. Just a rogue pilot taking matters into his own hands.

"Wasn't that what you were trying to make the world believe back then?" he challenges, because that's the rhetoric he remembers, the claim that he'd never really believed even before it destroyed the last remnant of peace he had known. "That you were trying to make the world a better place?"

"It still is. And we'll do it better this time," he says with a fierce conviction that, just for a minute, almost makes Saji believe him.

But then he keeps speaking, and the qualification breaks any of the tentative connections Saji had almost let himself establish with his old friend. He resolutely shakes off the almost-familiar feeling as the Gundam meister continues, "But giving up the mission to save a few hundred people?" Setsuna scoffs quietly. "That's not how you save the world."

"But… you had to believe that was wrong!" Saji blurts out, too surprised to think better of the outburst.

Setsuna raises an eyebrow and Saji falters, scrambling as his brain parses out just how cold hearted this means Setsuna is, how skewed his morals are. He wonders, not for the first time since his rescue, how twisted they had to be for Setsuna to join up with an organization like Celestial Being in the first place—back when he should have been nothing more than a high school student… back when he was too young to drive. To make him think that saving lives, the innocent lives of civilian bystanders who had nothing to do with any of the world's conflicts, could ever be the wrong course of action.

"I mean… you would have done the same thing, right?" Saji asks, faltering more than antagonistic now, because even knowing that Setsuna was a terrorist, he's assumed that he wasn't _that_ messed up. That he couldn't have hidden such a large moral defect in his character from him.

But as soon as the words come out, he wishes he could take back the question. Because he doesn't want to know if Setsuna says no, doesn't want to have that confirmed. Would much rather live with the increasingly remote chance that he might have said yes.

But Setsuna shakes his head. "I wouldn't have," he confirms, not even bothering to deny it or excuse it. "I didn't," he says, staring long and hard at Saji. "None of us would have. Allelujah was the only one who would have made that call. The only one who would remain unapologetic for it even after two weeks of confinement."

Saji gapes at him, not sure why he feels so betrayed when he knew— he _knew_ — that Setsuna was part of Celestial Being and all terrorists had to be as cruel and heartless as this in order to do what they did to the world. But despite that, the admission comes like a punch to the gut and leaves Saji reeling.

"We're not… we're not all good people, Saji," Setsuna admits, not making any moves toward him even though Saji's sure it's clear that he's far from okay. He reaches vaguely for the wall behind him for some sort of support.

Setsuna's voice is low and clear when he slowly continues, "This war isn't fought by good people. It's fought for them."

Saji fights to bring his breathing back under control, but he considers this in silence that isn't as hostile as it was a minute ago.

"But Allelujah is the best of us," Setsuna says like he's never been more sure of anything in his life. "And he knows what's good and important in this world, even if he knows he'll never have it himself. But he'll fight to make sure that other people do."

"And he didn't…" Setsuna breaks off, swallowing his words. Saji is dumbstruck to realize that the meister's voice had been about to _crack_.

Setsuna rallies quickly, however, passing over the emotion like he has no time for them. "No matter what you think of us, Saji… even if being indebted to us for your life twice over now doesn't mean anything to you… Surely you'll agree that no one deserves what happened to him." Setsuna's jaw clenches and his eyes harden and Saji finally sees exactly why he's part of Celestial Being. "He's a human being and no one deserves what the A Laws put him through."

Saji honestly doesn't know how to respond to that and the lack of knowledge about the imprisonment surprises him. After all, the initial capture of the orange Gundam was so widely publicized that there couldn't be a single person left on earth who hadn't seen it. He's seen reruns of the footage so many times that he can picture the blood and the wrecked suit sparking amid the rubble without any trouble at all.

But he realizes that he doesn't know anything beyond that. Doesn't know what happened after the terrorist had been safely contained.

There had never been a need for a trial, since the entire world knew that Celestial Being and all of its members were guilty of crimes beyond measure. But the world powers had held him for four years without ever coming to the point of scheduling a public execution and Saji realizes for the first time how odd this actually is.

"I don't…" He bites back his response, hesitates before finally asking, "What did they do to him?"

That makes Setsuna laugh mirthlessly, a cold thing that Saji quickly decides he never wants to hear again. "He's the only member of Celestial Being they've ever been able to get a hold of," Setsuna replies harshly. "After Fallen Angels, they've had him for four years. Four years, Saji. Able to do anything they wanted. With the power and justification and no one to answer to because he was a prisoner of war and a terrorist besides."

And when he puts it that way, Saji starts to understand that things might not have been as he'd imagined. After all, it was the governmental enforcement agency that had arrested him, hadn't it, just because he'd tried to ask why his supervisor was being manhandled out the door by armed men.

And he had been innocent…

"Think of what _you_ wanted to do to him," Setsuna challenges, and suddenly Saji is filled with a burning shame. Like everyone else in the world, he wanted the captured Gundam meister to pay for all of the evils that had been committed, whether they were directly committed by his hand or not. He'd watched the replays of the pilot's capture with spiteful satisfaction, savoring the idea that at least one of the terrorists was finally being punished for what they had done.

No punishment he had imagined, no deprivation of windows or bed or flavorful food, had seemed enough to even begin making up for what Celestial Being had done to Kinue, had done to Louise and her family, had done to him and to this world of which he was a part.

He'd wished for more, hoped that the meister was being treated with the harshness he so rightly deserved. He remembers wanting the pilot to suffer.

Concretely knowing now that that pilot is a real person, is someone here on this very ship, even though he has yet to meet him— still doesn't want to meet with any of them more than absolutely necessary, if he's being honest with himself— it changes things.

He wouldn't… wouldn't have wished such a fate on Setsuna … wouldn't wish eternal imprisonment on him even now. Not even knowing that he'd been lying ever since they'd known each other and he had been a terrorist from the very start.

Why, then, was it any better of him to wish such a fate on one of the other meisters?

After all, he was a human being too, this Allelujah. It seemed strange to think of terrorists as one of his fellow creatures, made of flesh and blood, with hopes and dreams and people who had waited for four years to save them.

But he was also a person who had saved his life once. Saved _Louise_. And while that couldn't possible negate the chaos he had brought to the world, the death and destruction and pain… surely that had to mean something. If it didn't, then Saji was no better than the people he hated most in this world.

"You're too nice for your own good," Setsuna says softly and Saji looks up in surprise, quickly enough to see his face harden again at his next thought. "Now imagine what the scum of the earth would do to a member of Celestial Being," Setsuna grinds out the words.

Saji does and soon finds that he can't stomach the answer.

There aren't many reasons for keeping an enemy of the world alive for four years without so much as the hint of a trial. And none of them would call for humane treatment. Especially not from the A Laws, who'd labeled him with a number and forced him into hard labor in high altitudes without proper gear.

Saji stops to really consider this new angle for the first time, not liking the implications. Because if they had so easily wiped out an entire work camp with a handful of peacekeeping automatons, if the government would have actually executed him for his non existent ties to Katharon like the purple haired meister had said, then, what _had_ they done to this meister, who was guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt?

He doesn't meet Setsuna's eyes, instead casting his gaze to the smooth metal panels of the ship's floor, because what can he say to that? He's hated what Celestial Being has done to disrupt the world, but he's certainly no apologist for the A Laws either. Not after what he's seen.

He knows that the answer doesn't lie with either of these groups, that the fighting won't be put to rest with more fighting. Saji used to think that the best way to move on would be for everyone to put down their arms and walk away from the things that didn't really matter. Let everyone continue living like they always had, hopefully getting a little gentler and kinder as life wore away their rough edges.

But he's not nearly so naïve anymore to think that any of the world powers would back down now. Especially not with this prison break signaling the impossible return of Celestial Being.

Saji's mouth wavers as he realizes that everything is going to start over again. He wonders if he'll ever live to see the world at peace again, and he doubts it.

Setsuna's voice calls him back to the issue at hand, his voice tightly reined, emotion threatening to overflow his carefully constructed barriers and spill into his words. "Honestly, what didn't they do to him?" Setsuna asks, and Saji blinks, realizing that he'd been wrong to think that his neighbor had had no emotions. He sees now that that isn't the case at all. Never had been, though Setsuna had clearly cultivated the art of hiding every trace of it.

The meister's eyes drift toward the wall as if he can see through it to find his newly rescued companion somewhere on the other side of the ship. "I'm surprised he was still in one piece for us to rescue," Setsuna whispers.

And for the first time, Saji feels out of place in this conversation, like he is intruding upon the other man's time and life. He came in here, storming down the hall demanding answers and the right to air out his grievances and Setsuna has listened to his every word. But Setsuna had already been delayed with a conversation with the dark haired girl he'd brought back with him from the prison.

He still hasn't seen his friend, the only person for whom Saji has ever seen him smile. The man he'd just risked his life to rescue.

Saji balks and tries not to stammer as he realizes just how selfish he's been. Even if he's not sure he can forgive Setsuna yet— or ever— even if he still thinks that everything that's happening on board this ship is wrong, he can't begrudge him this, the chance to see his missing comrade again after all this time.

"Then…" he says, hesitantly as Setsuna's gaze swings over to him sharply. "I guess you'll want to make sure that he's actually in one piece, huh?"

Setsuna blinks at him and Saji wonders how often he's been left speechless before.

The corners of Saji's mouth twitch up, offering the most tentative of smiles. Setsuna doesn't smile back— has met his smile quota for the year already this afternoon— but he seems to soften into a look that Saji could almost imagine is grateful.

"Yeah," he finally replies. "I guess I will." With one final long look at Saji, he walks past him, now focused solely on his destination.

Saji doesn't mind that he's ignored, now, even though it would have been yet another piece of fuel added to the fire only that morning. But he thinks that he can make an exception here. For Setsuna. For Allelujah.

And he isn't left alone for long. Before he even has a chance to round the corner after Setsuna, a red robot comes flapping into view. "Found you! Found you!" it chirps at him and he laughs.

"Yeah, I got kinda lost," he says, holding out his hands to catch the little guy. "Mind showing me the way back?"

"Can do! Can do!" the machine replied instantly, jumping out of his hands again to lead the way.

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 **Because Saji spends most of the show mad at Celestial Being, but does he ever remember later on that a Gundam pilot once saved his life? I don't think that ever comes up again in the show and that's kind of not okay at all. :'c  
**


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